What a quality, the antonym of a virtue, to exist in a flux of states across time. Everything else around me may change and that’s just a rule of nature, but, in terms of my psychology, I must suffer a lifelong condition where I only know stability a few days at a time (or less), and only every now and then, if the circumstances align. Currently, as I attempt the difficult task of forging a convincing testament to new knowledge through the steady and structured effort of mastering technique and ignorance, my fickle nature and erratic moods are perhaps some of the biggest deterrents of my progress. They have been exacerbated by the unprecedented pressures of the challenge at hand. I could speak in terms of my diagnosis, but I want to keep the clinical nomenclature out of this. I just want to vent and examine my thoughts in language stripped of its white coat and DSM-5 manual.
Today, I had an interview where I had to pitch my ideas, qualifications, and enthusiasm to earn the privilege of crafting and leading my own workshop (the theme was “STEM is Everywhere”). My performance was extraordinary. Even I was surprised at the passion and conviction I felt and conveyed while I answered questions about my enthusiasm for STEM. My surprise mostly stemmed from the fact that I had not felt this ambitious and driven about a goal or an idea in a long time. I hope I can hold on to it for as long as I can before the inevitable lows rob me of my light, and the excitement and interest that have bloomed in me once more tonight wither away.
Right now, fueled by passion and ambition, there is so much I want to do. Meaningful and creative things… Until I don’t. But until I run on empty again, I will try.